Saturday, April 1, 2017

Not Yet

Living with a chronic disease that requires daily medicine can be quite difficult at times. It is easy to slip into depression and hopelessness. 
I am done doing that. 
I choose life. I choose optimism. And I choose to share some of my stories here. 
I want people to know that I am Clearly Alive.
This is not an easy choice. There have been many times that I just wanted to give up. To stop taking all of my medicine. To quit fighting. It appeared easier to just surrender.

This is a dangerous loop.

Recently, one of my friends decided that she no longer wanted to be alive. She stopped taking all of her medicine, including her cortisol steroids. Thankfully, someone found her and immediately gave her an emergency injection of solu-cortef.

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As I grappled with the fact that she attempted to carry out what I so desperately wanted to do, I was overcome with grief. But then other thoughts entered my mind.

I am not done yet.
We are not done yet.
Our story is far from over.

I am not done yet.

I started stitching these little butterflies on top of a semicolon. The blue butterfly represents hope within our Adrenal Insufficiency community. The semicolon represents a sentence that the author could have ended, but chose not to. The sentence is your life, and the author is you.

Each butterfly will be unique.
I am not using a pattern.

I will be selling these on Etsy. Each butterfly is a bit different. Each hand stitched "Not Yet" is far from perfect, but I find that fitting for such a message. We are all so very different and we are all so very far from perfect.

Handmade by me.

This design can also be found at my Zazzle store. Proceeds benefit NADF, AIU, and keeping the theoretical steroid curve plotter live.

Necklace can be purchased here.
And remember, Zazzle is ALWAYS running some sort of sale.

Will you join me in proclaiming "Not yet"?
Will you join me in our fight to remain Clearly Alive?

I mentioned suicide in the post above. I want to inform my readers that I am safe. I have a good network of support that regularly check in on me. Before I was properly diagnosed with Adrenal Insufficiency, I struggled with a dangerous voice inside my head that would tempt me to hurt myself. A few times, I would listen to it. A few times, my mom would have to come in and forcibly stop me. 

With proper cortisol coverage, that voice is silenced.

If I am ever overwhelmed while running low on cortisol, that unsafe voice returns. I am learning to recognize it quicker and react. I seek out help. I speak openly about it. By speaking openly, I can have accountability. Through accountability, I can remain Clearly Alive.

If you are struggling, know that you are not alone and do not be afraid to seek help.
I want us all to remain Clearly Alive.


  1. This was beautiful, just like you and your butterflies Amber - thank you for caring about all of us.

  2. Thank you, Amber. I understand completely, I really appreciate you sharing this.


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